Gud, I hesitate to say this, because I don't want it to add to your feelings of guilt, but I think it's important.

You say you don't know what good a therapist could do. Well, you have 2 wonderful kids. How you feel about yourself is evident to them, even if you never actually *say* in front of them that you think the world would be better off without you. That kind of frustration and despair is something they'll pick up on.

You're a model to them of how to be an adult in the world, and you already model *so many* GOOD things for them: being a great dad, a loving husband, someone who works hard as hell, someone who is creative and imaginative.

A therapist can help you with how you feel about yourself, which in turn will help you model for your kids what it looks like to be someone who loves yourself, someone who can make mistakes and correct them and move on while accepting that mistakes are part of life. A dad who loves himself is something they need to see along with all of the other GREAT things you already model for them, because it will show them how to love themselves.

Gud, it's possible that a support group or a therapist could help you from falling into the sort of spiral where being mad at yourself for your last mistake distracts you and sets you up to make more mistakes. I know when you are pressed for time putting one more thing in your schedule doesn't seem like it could possibly be a good idea, but it can help. Something with "coping" in the name, even if the thing they are focused on coping with is not your primary issue.

You're doing the best you can, man. Sometimes that is not enough to do everything you want to do, or should do, or even need to do. That happens. Hang in there.

Gud, I think the real value of therapy would be to give you some perspective from a neutral third party.

Here are some self-care links:

100 Strategies to Help You Practice Self-Care: [link]

Self-Care: [link]

If you think you're making too many mistakes and aren't getting things done faster, may I take a moment to remind you that you already said your current load of responsibilities fills up all your time? You don't have time to do things faster. You're already full up.

If there are bills you can automate with online billing, that's an option. If you can't automate them for some reason, setting calendar reminders several days in a row in advance of bills being due may be a good way to prompt you. I use online billing, calendar reminders, Evernote, and even sticky notes on the front door to manage myself. I can't do it on my own. I have to use technology and visible reminders to prop up my faults.

I know you don't feel like you have time, but if you could take a moment to look at what you have to do and think if there's a more efficient way to do it, that may give you more breathing room long term.

{{{{{Gud}}}}}

You know, that's right. ita just would have worn it somewhere.

So true. A silver ballgown skirt would be totally up her alley.

got busy and took care of the bills too late which is a typical mistake for me. I hate the way I make mistakes. I swear the world would be a lot better off without me.

Totally understand hating making mistakes (online billpay is SO much better for me than mailing checks used to be...and yet I still occasionally see the bill in the mail, think "oh yes, gotta do that", and let it sit there for like two weeks). But "world better off without me"? Oh hell no. What everyone else said--that's not a healthy statement. That's not a true statement. And I hope you can get some help to let you see that it's not.

t's possible that a support group or a therapist could help you from falling into the sort of spiral where being mad at yourself for your last mistake distracts you and sets you up to make more mistakes

This too! Or just thinking about your "mistakes" all the time and having one mistake ruin your mood WAY out of proportion to what it should (admittedly, I have not been to therapy. But I recognize I probably should at some point here...and in the meantime, antidepressants help me a lot, especially knowing I have a huge family history of it)

We also have online bill pay, plus reminders from online bill pay, plus calendar reminders.

You guys, if we don't hear from Nashville today, I am going to end up in a corner in the fetal position, rocking slowly back and forth.

I'm on my way to the office today despite not being fully recovered from this cold. I may regret this. I have cough drops, lemon ginger tea, and DayQuil in my backpack.

You guys are making such a good case for therapy, I may get back on the hunt for a therapist!

My remaining student loan payment is too much hassle to automate, and I almost never get the emails they claim to send me monthly. So every few months, I forget to pay it, and on the due date (seemingly) they send both me and my cosigner (my father) a letter in the mail. What the actual fuck? But guess what? None of that shows up on my credit report, because I do pay within the month, and there aren't even late fees. So, what seems like a significant fuckup (they send a LETTER to my FATHER), actually matters not at all.

...oh. maybe it's actually due this week.

Gud, the 2nd strategy on shrift's first link seems especially appropriate and shouldn't add to your scheduling burden.

Change the way you use self-talk so that you’re being kinder to yourself.

More details on self-talk are here. [link]

You have so much more value than you seem to realize.

After yesterday, I just wanted to mention that I actually feel about 75% better today. Maybe the therapeutic complaining worked! (Not just my posts here; I vented at length to Tim about my trip to Colorado.)

My sinuses also don't hurt, so I'm not calling the doctor right now, but I promise I'll call if they start hurting again.

And it's supposed to be 60 here, so I am by god taking a walk, even if it's a short one (I have a TON of work) and even if it rains. I just want to get outside into the warm weather!

t edit Still no Kato pictures, but I can confirm he's still cute, even if he felt compelled to barf yesterday.