If you never pay attention to it, why do you insist I dust the box you have it locked in? Or is that some sort of decoy to fool your enemies into thinking it's important?

Along with wearing a bag of frozen peas on your head.

Unfortunately, this plan requires that I have food in my home. Well, frozen food. I only freeze air in my freezer. Not even ice cubes.

Or is that some sort of decoy to fool your enemies into thinking it's important?

One of several. Consider Horcruxes, only less functional, more decorative. (As decorative as "charred lumps meant to look like burned human hearts" can be, that is.)

However, if you expect NOT to be required to hose Loyal Toady off (the monthly cleansing), please refrain from discussing my clever plans on the Internet, with an audience. I think we've had to edit the Book several times, bumping this one simple rule from the mid-300s to #5, then #3. Don't make me bump it to #2, displacing "The Evil Overlord will not kill his minions unless thoroughly bored".

If I get moist (which I have done, thanks Mr. Shower) it turns into WARM WET AIR and the water on me HEATS UP.

You just described Florida.

Not even ice cubes.

Oh dear, that nixes the suggestion of placing a bowl full of ice cubes in front of your fan then sitting about two feet from the bowl.

You just described Florida.

And Arizona during monsoon, in a tin-roofed trailer with only swamp coolers.

Run a sink of cool water, and stick your hands in past the wrists. The blood vessels run close to the surface there, so they'll carry cool blood back around the rest of your body. (This tip brought to you by red kangaroos, who lick their forearms to stay cool in the Australian desert.)

I am licking my forearms now.

Go soak down a t-shirt, put that on, and then stand in front of the fan. That's what I've been doing.

JUST before I reopened this page, I soaked the MFW (that is uncleverly v-necked now which is why I have a backup) and am in front of the fan. Your brain control, she is working. And helping.

please refrain from discussing my clever plans on the Internet, with an audience.

pfft, whatever. Like people haven't guessed your plans, boss. But no, that rule doesn't need to be bumped any higher up the list.

red kangaroos

Jilli! Hire one immediately! I will make this one Viceroy of the Atmosphere, responsible for maintaining my cool!

Jilli! Hire one immediately!

But that means paperwork. It's too hot for paperwork.

Sits back, enjoying the Jilli and StuntHusband Show.

Pops popcorn, remembers that I'm trying to avoid empty calories, and eats blueberries instead.

Nearly called 'em clueberries. But I try to save those for people who really need them.