Gravity/John Park - Can it be worse than last week? Well, singing John Mayer is not a great start. Do you really want to bring up the Playboy Interview controversy? I don't think so. And yick, this kid is flat, always a couple of ticks under the pitch, no? Not totally off, which is even worse because you can hear the note he was supposed to be hitting but not. And he doesn't have as much soul in his voice as John Mayer. And that is saying a lot about how much soul he lacks. Yeah, this fool is pretty, but he can go any time now. It's bad when the best the judges can say is that it was way better than last week since last week was abysmal.
I Don't Want to Be/Cowboy Casey - I enjoy this kid. I dislike this song. Oooh. Dilemma. Initially, I thought he'd do well with it, for what it's worth. But ewww. He started out all nasally up in his nasal. And then it just got worse and worse. The chorus on this song is so tricky. It's deceptively rangy and he was way off the pitch in the low notes. Well, this song kicked his ass. That was unexpected. And the Dawg wasted his judgery trying to sound edumacated about the music industry. I agreed with Ellen that he was stiff behind that guitar. Judge #4 gave some real and relevant critiques. My world is all asunder.
Boy Unworthy to Wear the Last Name "Lambert"/Everybody Knows - He still can't sing. He still believes he has a great falsetto which he demonstrably does not. Please take your ugly mullet and your white keds and your too tight, too shiny pants with plaid jacket and just what the fuck and go. So much hate. I don't think I could hate him any more than I do. And to think we lost the cutie rocker for this fool. And is unique style some kind of code for got dressed in the dark? And Judge #4 should know that I'm not rooting for this kid. At all.
Il Divo/What's Love Got to Do With It -Aww, poor you? You really think Paula "sang" while she was dancing? You hold up Paula as an artist to emulate? Oh no, baby. No. And this kid has listened to waaayyy too much 99.8 KKBT, the Beat. Not every song is a run filled, R&B fiesta. But the really sad thing is that this kid does not have a bad voice. Actually, he has a very good voice. But why does he feel the need to cram every single vocal trick into a song. Good god, this fool is making me agree with the Dawg. Just get up and sing it straight. Simon's right. He needs to go back to dancing because he's wrong on every level for this show.
Jermaine Sellers/What's Going On? - OK, you want to sound current so you pick a 70's soul protest song? And then you sing it flat and under the pitch? Hmmm. Let me see. Young, current, hip, radio ready? Hell to the naw. And the voice is nails on a chalk board. He never found the notes. And once again way too many vocal gymnastics. And once again, Judge #4 says something relevant. What the hell? And this kid doesn't get it. God is in the tub. Oh, also, church singers can actually blow. You can't. Despite what your podunk, corner church might have told you. Every black church has that kid who grew up in the choir and had a lovely instrument before puberty hit and the voice changed and now he has some of the tools and tricks he learned from the choir director and he can kind of sing and the old ladies cluck cluck over him, "Baaabbbyy. You just have such a beautiful voice. Beautiful. Gawd has touched you, for sure." Don't believe it. That is true only within the confines of said podunk corner church.
Andrew Garcia/You Give Me Something - Oh my heavens. I didn't think I could love this little cholo kid any more than I do, but now that I know this chubby kid can bust a move? I love him even more! This ex-banger is magic. He must lose the scarf, though. And truth? Kid can blow. The first part of the song was hot. He kind of fell apart on the chorus, there. Got off the note and he never really found it again. The back half of that song was a hot mess. And still, like Ellen, I love this kid. He's one of the few with natural charisma and star power.
D'Archie 2.0/My Girl - OK, why would you do a Temptations song before Motown Week? It's a guaranteed cheese fest. And he's doing the vibrato filled, country fried version? Well, he's on pitch, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of tonight's contestants. So there's that, right? Sigh. But now what's he gonna do during Motown Week? (Cause this kid is so making top 12) Simon is once again the only one telling the truth. This kid was corny tonight, but he's got a decent voice and he could be better than he is.
Come On Get High/Crappy Replacement Boy - Another quasi-mullet, bowl cut dude. White boys of America, what the fuck on the haircuts? Was there a fire sale on Flowbees somewhere? This kid is the most milquetoast, bland kid I've ever seen. Does anything about him say star? Does anything about him even say High School Talent Show contest winner? Good grief. Bleagh. He's a non-entity.
Lee Dewyze/Lips of an Angel - Take off that hat, Mr. Nice Guy. I kind of, sort of like this kid. He seems genuine. But the song. Oh, no, the song. What happened? Nickelback couldn't clear? I hate this frikkin' song. And he's under the pitch. Again. Is there something going on with the audio in the studio? Because almost every single contestant has been under. And let me just state for the record, not being on pitch does, in fact, matter. It matters a lot in a singing competition to be on pitch.