My mother will tell you that one reason she pushed for moving to the retirement community is because if she died first my father would never leave the house, but there he'd always have someone to eat dinner with - the ladies would be all over him because he has pretty blue eyes and a full head of hair in his 80s. There he plays pool and chess and makes clay flutes. Bizarro Dad.

Sox, you can do it!

Today is our teacher-parent conference. Like many children, when I ask my kid how school was she'll say, "Fine." This year, however, she has a girl in her class who I've pegged as most likely to be Student Body President, and if I ask D what K is doing in class, I get a full run down. It's hilarious when there are 3-4 of us lined up at soccer practice to talk to D about our kid.

God, I wish we could get Tim's dad into assisted living. He'd be so much happier. He is SO isolated in his house. He doesn't even have neighbors close by. He's a total extrovert, and would be so much happier with people around. Gah.

Ugh, right? With my grandmother, it was a real progression that made it necessary -- she fell and moved in with my uncle after that, and then her dementia was just too much for them to deal with. I genuinely don't understand why some people are so resistant.

Went to the vet, and when they had Hazel in the back to take blood, you really would have thought they were torturing her with the screams and yowls. So sad! But when the tech brought her back out, she said she was actually fine, just "opinionated." Heh.

I genuinely don't understand why some people are so resistant

Proof that they've lost their independence, that they're on the last slope, this is the place where they're going to die--or be wheeled out so they can die in a hospital. "The waiting room to heaven"--or hell, depending on your relative's worldview.

Rather like "we sent the dog to a farm so he could play with other puppies."

What Connie said.

My mother had worked at a horrible nursing home in the 1970s, the kind of place where the residents were dumped by their families and the whole place smelled of urine and bleach. It was awful, and she made my father promise never to put her in a nursing home.

And you know, he didn't. But to her mind, the assisted living facility was close enough. And it meant she was going to die, and she was terrified. I would not wish my mother's last six months on anyone: she was terrified and miserable and made my father's life a living hell. But she was a special case, and not everyone is going to react like that.

Proof that they've lost their independence,

I guess that's the base thing I don't get -- I don't quite believe in independence! Not when it is isolating and difficult. I mean, my other grandmother lived "on her own" until she died -- downstairs from my parents! So when she fell and broke her arm, there was someone to take her to the hospital.

My mother had worked at a horrible nursing home in the 1970s, the kind of place where the residents were dumped by their families and the whole place smelled of urine and bleach. It was awful, and she made my father promise never to put her in a nursing home.

Those places definitely still exist, and that is not what I'm talking about.

Those places definitely still exist, and that is not what I'm talking about.

Oh, sure. But the fear engendered by those places made her think that all residential facilities were like that.

Yeah, but if you have in your mind that that's what all assisted living residences are REALLY like, I can see where that would be a hard idea to let go of even if you look at a place that seems okay.

It's hard to admit you can't be as self-sufficient as you want to be. If owning your own home is the American Dream, giving that up is failure, you don't make the rules anymore. It's easier to contemplate assisted living when you don't so much need the assistance, I think.

If i am brutally honest with myself, it does not make sense for me to live in a house by myself but that is very upsetting so I try not to be that honest. I can't imagine it would be easier if I were 30+years older and had the people I taught to walk and talk telling me I couldn't take care of myself anymore.

My mom's family tends to live into their late 80s/early 90s and be of sound mind right up to the end, so I suspect assisted living/nursing homes aren't going to fly for her. (She kept my grandmother at home with the help of some daytime caretakers for years after she was incapacitated by strokes rather than put her in a home.) Unless she reaches a point where she's a danger to herself if left unsupervised I'm not going to push it—at 76 she has more energy and a more active social life than I do. Dad's mobility issues might force a relocation at some point, but for now he's plugging along and I'd favor in-home aides for the physical care as long as he's clearheaded. (Of course it'll also ultimately be Mom's decision rather than mine.)

In other age-related news, one of those thumbnail article blurbs at the bottom of a website just scared me with a "We say goodbye to Betty White" headline, but it turned out to be a cosmetics ad that incorrectly said she was leaving Hot in Cleveland before the series itself ended.

I am all for assisted living in my future! It sounds like college again! Though to be fair, I'm picturing the sort of "independent apartments with kitchenettes and you could cook there but mostly you eat in the dining hall" kind of place, not the "you have a room and a roommate and the only thing in there is your sad adjustable bed and a TV that constantly blares soap operas" sort of thing.

Everything -t said. Self-sufficiency is the bedrock of the American way of life, for good and ill. "Me do it!" The dream of the stalwart pioneer making a life for him/herself in the wilderness runs deep in a lot of American psyches.

For myself, I'm sick of having a house to take care of. As much as I dislike most people, I find it very soothing to hear life going on nearby--just hopefully not too nearby. It reassures me that I didn't miss some life-ending apocalypse and I'm the only one left amongst the monsters that want to eat me (you deal with your mental basement dwellers, I'll deal with mine).

But I'm in decent health, still working, still completely mobile, if I want to live amongst other people, it'll be in a condo or apartment I control. Assisted living has elements of being checked on, monitored, not trusted to manage on your own. Terrifying.