Thanks.

Hey, Gud. It sounds like you're really in need of some self-care right now. I'm not sure what kind of support system you have in your life, but I suspect you don't have what you need.

I don't really have a support system and I'm not sure what self-care means.

I don't know how to convince you that you can't live up to an impossible standard. It sounds like you're responsible for everything in your household, which is unfair and unsustainable unless you're a single parent or live by yourself.

I'm not responsible for everything. My wife shuttles kids to appointments, takes care of school stuff, gets on them to do homework, manages pills, and does some cleaning. I take care of a bunch of stuff, but it's not everything. It just fills up all my time. Right now I'm also working on some software for a study my wife will be conducting for school so I'm especially pressed for time.

Have you thought about talking to a therapist?

I'm not sure what that would accomplish. My main problems seem to be making too many mistakes and not getting things done faster.

I made another screw-up this morning. Well, actually last week. I paid a credit-card too late and it looks like it'll arrive a day late. I got busy and took care of the bills too late which is a typical mistake for me. I hate the way I make mistakes. I swear the world would be a lot better off without me.

Have you thought about talking to a therapist?

I'm not sure what that would accomplish.

For one thing, when you say things like "I swear the world would be a lot better off without me.", you know that's not a healthy -- or true -- statement, right? A therapist can help you with that.

The world would certainly not be better off without you! And also paying a bill one day late is such a minor mistake it shouldn't cause you more than a moment's bad-feeling.

I take care of a bunch of stuff, but it's not everything. It just fills up all my time.

You also work full time. I'm with Steph in not being able to imagine how people with kids manage things.

I don't want to pile on, but you should never be thinking that the world would be better without you. Would you want any of us to say the same thing?

I'm not sure what self-care means

It means, asking "What does Gudanov need?" That means Gudanov the Person, not the father, husband, employee, etc. And then taking steps to get there.

And if you're talking about the world being better off without you, then you need outside help. An appointment with a good therapist can at least help you define the situation.

I paid a credit-card too late and it looks like it'll arrive a day late. I got busy and took care of the bills too late which is a typical mistake for me.

Can you automate any of this? I'd be making that mistake all the damn time if I didn't have near everything set up to either autopay or send me a trigger "pay this now?" email. These things don't have to be done the old way and you don't have to stay on top of it by yourself.

I hate the way I make mistakes. I swear the world would be a lot better off without me.

Oh hon, no. You've raised wonderful kids and made a life for them, you've written a great book, and you've got people who love you (including here!). Mistakes make you human, and I wish you were easier on yourself.

Gud, I hesitate to say this, because I don't want it to add to your feelings of guilt, but I think it's important.

You say you don't know what good a therapist could do. Well, you have 2 wonderful kids. How you feel about yourself is evident to them, even if you never actually *say* in front of them that you think the world would be better off without you. That kind of frustration and despair is something they'll pick up on.

You're a model to them of how to be an adult in the world, and you already model *so many* GOOD things for them: being a great dad, a loving husband, someone who works hard as hell, someone who is creative and imaginative.

A therapist can help you with how you feel about yourself, which in turn will help you model for your kids what it looks like to be someone who loves yourself, someone who can make mistakes and correct them and move on while accepting that mistakes are part of life. A dad who loves himself is something they need to see along with all of the other GREAT things you already model for them, because it will show them how to love themselves.

Gud, it's possible that a support group or a therapist could help you from falling into the sort of spiral where being mad at yourself for your last mistake distracts you and sets you up to make more mistakes. I know when you are pressed for time putting one more thing in your schedule doesn't seem like it could possibly be a good idea, but it can help. Something with "coping" in the name, even if the thing they are focused on coping with is not your primary issue.

You're doing the best you can, man. Sometimes that is not enough to do everything you want to do, or should do, or even need to do. That happens. Hang in there.

Gud, I think the real value of therapy would be to give you some perspective from a neutral third party.

Here are some self-care links:

100 Strategies to Help You Practice Self-Care: [link]

Self-Care: [link]

If you think you're making too many mistakes and aren't getting things done faster, may I take a moment to remind you that you already said your current load of responsibilities fills up all your time? You don't have time to do things faster. You're already full up.

If there are bills you can automate with online billing, that's an option. If you can't automate them for some reason, setting calendar reminders several days in a row in advance of bills being due may be a good way to prompt you. I use online billing, calendar reminders, Evernote, and even sticky notes on the front door to manage myself. I can't do it on my own. I have to use technology and visible reminders to prop up my faults.

I know you don't feel like you have time, but if you could take a moment to look at what you have to do and think if there's a more efficient way to do it, that may give you more breathing room long term.

{{{{{Gud}}}}}