In a weird way, I can respect the mom for admitting she resents the situation. The image of Patient Suffering and near-martyrish self-denigration in situations like this is a strong one. It took a long time for me to admit that I often resented being married to a man with so many health issues, that I daydreamed about the life I might have had if Hubby was still the strong, active man I met.

Getting trapped in the resentment is the peril. It's hard to differentiate between a cathartic wallow in self-pity and an on-going whinefest that just extends the drama and doesn't purge the emotions.

I have had people say, "Why don't you leave him? You shouldn't have to live this way." I, being wife and not mother, do have that choice--at least theoretically. Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to validate the mother's resentment without reinforcing an ongoing whinefest.

and the dad has just decided that this is what he does in life.

I think that's it. I'm speaking primarily of my experience of going through a divorce and dealing with child custody issues, and I had to learn to let go of my "righteous" anger. I had every reason and right to be angry, but it was making me miserable. And it was going to make me a shitty person and a shitty parent. So. I chose not to be angry.

I've certainly still got issues related to that divorce and they do pop up with Emmett's Mom from time to time. But they're trust issues, not constantly being filtered through resentment that life didn't happen the way I expected it.

Holding on to your anger is a choice. I believe that. It'll burn in your chest but it won't keep you warm at night. It just makes you bitter.

Anyway, that's just my experience. I shouldn't extrapolate how others should deal with their circumstances. But I know that was the most important choice I made when I was going through my divorce, and I had a lot of clarity about that. I could see who I was going to become if I held on to that anger, and I didn't want to be that bitter person.

I know when I find myself wanting to wallow and roll around in that "I shouldn't have to" place that I have stopped remembering to see the issues that mac has as a physiological thing and not his choice. I wonder if the mother would be saying she shouldn't have to do certain things if her child were deaf or blind. Now maybe she is like some of my extended family and she just doesn't believe it, then that is just a whole different problem.

msbelle crosspost!

The issue of taking his behavior personally is really at the crux of a lot that is going on. The mom blames the dad for the kid being 'just like him.' Looking at the behavior as part of a 'condition' just gets a "You would take it personally too!" I can't say that I wouldn't react badly to chaotic energy and verbal assaults, but sooner or later, I think I'd have to give up blaming him for the sake of practicality, if nothing else.

I know that she really, truly loves her son and gives him the best life possible. (which is pretty darned good, under the circumstances) I just wish she could see that the ongoing anger and resistance to change didn't start with her son, or even her marriage. But sadly, the situation is the perfect excuse to NOT come to grips with some basic choices.

Thanks for the comments, everyone. Just exploring some of the practical options has helped to bleed off a lot of my own concern. I think I can have a conversation about next steps in a much calmer state of mind.

Betsy!! As much as I hate that it's the pain demons that drew you out, it's always wonderful to see your pixels.

I had every reason and right to be angry, but it was making me miserable. And it was going to make me a shitty person and a shitty parent. So. I chose not to be angry.

David and Connie, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't support someone in feeling completely justified in their righteous anger/resentment. Lord knows, I'm pretty sure I was right to be angry about some stuff in my life.

But, as you say, there comes a point where you can make a choice about how you are doing to deal. Even if it is taking responsibility for NOT dealing. When you don't grapple with that choice, you just can't win.

I guess I'm so fierce on this issue because I realized that being the angriest dog in the universe just meant my father/family/evil/circumstances won TWICE and I just couldn't have that. In the end, the peace I have in my heart warms me much better than the anger ever did.

(Nice one, David. I'm going to use, "It'll burn in your chest but it won't keep you warm at night," if you don't mind.)

Betsy! t muppet waves

Totally shifting gears, David, I stand by my love of Kindred, as expressed yesterday. (was that here or in Bitches?)

I rewatched the series and, while it began so shakily as to creak, I loved the progression of the dialogue and characters. And, god help me, I worship Mark Frankel, may he rest in peace.

While I really admired Ultraviolet...especially the medical aspects...I never much connected with any of the characters. ita is right, Kindred as cheestastic, but I enjoyed it so much more 'up close' than the detached appreciation I have for Ultraviolet.

Then again, I loved Blood Ties too. So, there may be no accounting for my taste.

I've just added advil cold and sinus (the behind-the-counter-good-stuff) to the medication stew in my system. If this doesn't solve the headache I'll go to the doctor. I'm unsure if it's a sinus problem, and I feel like ass complaining about my head with ita's constant storm.

Nice to see you, Betsy!

Ugh. I'm still dealing with anger and bitterness. I've gotten much much better but it still doesn't seem good enough. But what helped me, perversely, was getting RSI. Getting a zap of physical pain when I get angry makes me have to ask whether it's worth it to be angry.

Have forced myself to make some tracking calls to radio stations. Y'see, music directors generally only have a few office hours per week where artists can call and ask whether their album has made it into the station library and whether they've gotten airplay. No way I can get through KCRW's busy signal. But I managed to get through to a very small indie station and may be getting an email back on that matter.

Now I have to grit my teeth and pay some medical bills.

the next thing coming is going to be a whip with an electrical cord or some wire.

Oh, Jesus. Man, I just want to hug you both forEVER.