So my 90 year old grandmother is in hospital on a drip, and it looks like she's maybe only got days left now. Although given the determination with which she's been clinging on for the past decade or so, who knows.

I...pretty much don't feel sad about Nana, because despite living all of three streets away from my parents' home she was never interested in my sister or me, babysat for me maybe five times in my life, and just - I don't feel like we've ever had a relationship. Although she has a very Hallmark Card sentimental view of what a fabulous grandmother she is, and how many millions of times we were at her place (it has never struck her as odd that she always has to recycle the ONE anecdote about my little sister visiting her place) and she's pretty much been a small, self-absorbed tyrant to my mother through my mother's whole life. And my mother is a feisty, confident, outgoing, wonderful diva of a woman, but she pretty much put her own ambitions and aspirations on hold when her father died (when my mum was 17) and she moved back up to Barnley to be there for her mother, rather than going off and having adventures.

I'm not saying my grandmother is an awful person - she isn't. Everyone else loves her, actually - she's quite cute and jolly, but she's also monstrously selfish.

But, you know - she's my mum's mum. And my poor mum wants it to be over, because it's been hellish for her these past few years, but - it's her mum.

Ngah.

Anyway, she emailed me and said this was how it was, and that obviously I wouldn't be coming home for the funeral. And then added that my dad thought that I'd feel guilty about not going home for the funeral, but that was silly, obviously I'm on the other side of the planet and I shouldn't come back for the funeral, and I should be going to Seattle, and all this.

And I'm like "...I'll be coming for the funeral. It's fine. Chill." Because - okay, I may not feel close to the woman, but she's my grandmother. My only grandparent. (My father's parents died while I was tiny.) Plus, however I feel about Nana, I fucking LOVE my mum, because she is AWESOME, and the universe really really really handed me the most brilliant parents possible. And she's losing her mother. Of course I want to be there.

Apparently my mother is feeling guilty about us coming home for the funeral. FFS.

{{{{Family-of-Fay}}}}

{Fay & Family} I'm sorry. And of course you are doing the right thing.

{{{Fay & Family}}}

You utterly rock, you know that? You are a truly splendid person.

(((Fay and family)))

Ooof, Fay.

At least when my grandmother like that died, my mom and her sister made it easy by not having a funeral, so I didn't have to decide if I should fly home! (They claimed they were going to have a memorial service later in the year, when the weather was nicer, but...somehow never got around to it. I asked my mom recently and she said she thinks grandma's ashes are probably somewhere in my aunt's closet. Oops.)

I'm sorry, Fay. I'm glad you'll be able to be there for your mom, though.

I'm sorry, Fay.

I'm sorry. Fay.

Ow. My shoulder is throbbing again. One hour until I can take more meds. My doctor gave me a prescription for a TENS, but I haven't gotten it yet. REALLY want it now.