Then, once we did them (like go to a certain restaurant I had mentioned) she'd have a terrible time and say things like "I don't like Chinese food." No matter what I did, I failed.

My MIL is very much like this. (well, was, back when she was more cognicent of stuff and could talk and whatever.)

David's posts have basically summed up what I feel about getting and giving gifts.
That, and surprise.


And, ruthless efficiency...


And, of course, a fanatical devotion to the Pope.
t /Monty Python

Hec, that was a lovely way to state it. GF is a most excellent gift giver in that same way. She really pays attention to what friends/family say and always gets something that is totally attuned to them. I aspire to that.

Somthing that's become a tradition between my parents is for my mother to give my father the most impractical, preferably large, strangely wrapped, useless thing she can find. One year it was a giant stuffed elephant that barely fit in the trunk of the car. Another was the backpack so large you could probably fit 3 corpses in it. (I'm not exaggerating. It was some promotional thing.)

If it a "what the hell?" it is perfect. I can't remember last years'.

The elephant still lives in the front room.

Speaking of gifts, a pal of mine from our Japanese office (Hideyuki) brought me THE most adorable Hello Kitty watch you've ever seen! It's delicate and pink and has the teeniest Hello Kitty head on the hour hand. LOVES IT!! He is always trying to help me get a work trip to Japan. He's the nicest.

You were in my thoughts. You were present to me even though you were far away."

I think of gift giving as a form of communication. Although I don't play them very often now -some of my favorite CDs were given to me by DH. Music is part of Matt's life blood. He pick out music for me -- and I really liked what he picked.

found that want was more fun than get.

Hmmm, must be why I'm still single

ha - DH would say his life would be easier if I used the word want more.

There's a big difference between not wanting to make a list and being happy with what you get (which is what our Buffistas-who-dislike-lists sound like), and knowing what you want and not telling people when they ask because they have to guess.

Yeah, this is key.

Here's where I stand, more or less. I don't particularly like being asked because it's kind of a pain in the ass - I'm sure there are specific things I do want but coming up with them to make a list?

And there is the less logical, more lizard-brain side to it where I do kind of feel like I'm assigning you something to purchase for me. that makes me uncomfortable. Even more though, I like the unknown of it all. I'd simply rather be surprised than get what I've requested.

But - and this is key - this is not a test. You don't always get the best thing ever, and then sometimes you do, and sometime you get competely random shit you didn't even know existed. And that's good! That's part of the fun.

And on the giving side - I don't always have the time, or energy, or inspiration to get that best ever thing either, but it's so amazing when you do. And if you don't, chances are unless you're completely out there (bubble wrap?) you done pretty good anyway.

Or else people get a story to tell for the next twenty years, which is kind of it's own reward anyway.

The point of gift-giving (to me, and not a comment or judgment on anybody else's gift-giving) is to think about the other person. To have them in mind.

I certainly am thinking about them even though I also know specifically what they want.

Shopping with a list (so as to give the person what they want) is NOT walking the ball over to the hole and dropping it in. I fail to see how shopping with a list is akin to cheating. I also fail to see the implied virtue in list-free shopping, as though the gift means more because you had to work harder by continuing to putt at the windmill.

Hec's philosophy of gift-giving is what I aspire to generally, and especially for birthdays and Christmas and the occasional random just-because present.

But I've just realized, reading all these posts, that I categorize wedding and baby shower and housewarming presents totally differently: those are occasions on which, while there's a lot of joy, there's also a huge amount of Life Changingness and metric assloads of stress. In those cases, it's really truly all about easing someone's transition into the shape of their new life, and, as Trudy said, being part of the community that helps to build it.

eta: And, in the case of people like Teppy whose family traditions include lists for even what I think of as non-list occasions? I take the list and I'm happy for it, because part of "You were present to me" is You-- the actual you and your actual preference for lists, not just the image of you in my head that tallies perfectly with my own preferences.

My mother would love a roll of bubblewrap. Seriously.