There's a big difference between not wanting to make a list and being happy with what you get (which is what our Buffistas-who-dislike-lists sound like), and knowing what you want and not telling people when they ask because they have to guess. My Ex MiL would NEVER say what she wanted about anyting. When she would come visit, I'd come up with a list of activities and she would say they all sounded fine. If I didn't have a list, she would feel slighted and ignored. Then, once we did them (like go to a certain restaurant I had mentioned) she'd have a terrible time and say things like "I don't like Chinese food." No matter what I did, I failed.

Signed,
Still Bitter

I saved my mother days of fretting when I told her I want some fried seafood over Labor Day

My mother brings the same things every time! I just want her not to put herself out! But we don't have the words to express that between us, so that explains the whole Gucci luggage thing instead.

Aw, I wish it would turn into a day trip where you go to the North Shore!

Aw! It still could!

My Ex MiL would NEVER say what she wanted about anyting. When she would come visit, I'd come up with a list of activities and she would say they all sounded fine. If I didn't have a list, she would feel slighted and ignored. Then, once we did them (like go to a certain restaurant I had mentioned) she'd have a terrible time and say things like "I don't like Chinese food." No matter what I did, I failed.

That sucks. When I say everything sounds fine, I mean it! Which doesn't necessarily make it easier on the person who I want to plan my days for me, but at least I really will like whatever they come up with.

I found that want was more fun than get.

Hmmm, must be why I'm still single.

For our anniversary this year, E and I are having the apartment professionally cleaned. Seriously.

My friends gave me a gift card for Merry Maids last year for my birthday which I LOVED! But I still haven't gotten around to using it. I'm really irritated at myself for that.

I tend to think of giving gifts as being about what the recipient wants, rather than what I find entertaining as a shopper. Gifts? Really are about the other person, not about me.

Sheesh, that doesn't characterize my attitude at all. It's not about entertaining myself. The point of gift-giving (to me, and not a comment or judgment on anybody else's gift-giving) is to think about the other person. To have them in mind. So that when you're browsing through a used bookstore and find an out-of-print copy of Northwest Smith, you think "I know somebody who'd like that." It's a kind of specific mindfulness.

To me, it's not that different from going ice skating yesterday with Emmett and thinking about Lizard and Susan and JZ. People that I have specific memories or associations with ice skating. When I see the roller derby sign outside Kezar stadium I think about Scrappy and lisah. I miss Rio when I see a particularly egregious muffin.

For me, it's not so much about gratifying somebody. (Not that there's anything remotely wrong about that.) It's about giving them something that connotes, "You were in my thoughts. You were present to me even though you were far away."

I think there was a point when I had some magical thinking about gift giving -- as in if you knew me, you'd know what I like. I had to grow up a little to realizes that the other person's taste is going to influence them. For example-- DH prefers more conservative clothing -- all the time. As in sandals with jeans is too radical. So I buy his Oxford cloth shirts , but in a brighter shade of blue then he might buy. I buy his fun clothes. and I think I 'd fall over backward if he bought something for me in the red, pinks ans melons I prefer. But he does get that I like clothes that flow,more than tailored.

Then, once we did them (like go to a certain restaurant I had mentioned) she'd have a terrible time and say things like "I don't like Chinese food." No matter what I did, I failed.

My MIL is very much like this. (well, was, back when she was more cognicent of stuff and could talk and whatever.)

David's posts have basically summed up what I feel about getting and giving gifts.
That, and surprise.


And, ruthless efficiency...


And, of course, a fanatical devotion to the Pope.
t /Monty Python

Hec, that was a lovely way to state it. GF is a most excellent gift giver in that same way. She really pays attention to what friends/family say and always gets something that is totally attuned to them. I aspire to that.