My mother asked me what food I wanted her to bring me when she comes in tomorrow. "Oh, whatever you want," I told her.

This is always the question when I go to my parents' -- what do I want to eat? Just yesterday, I saved my mother days of fretting when I told her I want some fried seafood over Labor Day. It's like a magic request, because it can turn into a whole day trip to the town where she grew up in RI for fried clams etc.

I love it when I find a perfect gift for somebody - you see it and know it but so often I have no idea what people have or where their heads are at so a list is just helpful.

It's like a magic request, because it can turn into a whole day trip to the town where she grew up in RI for fried clams etc.

Aw, I wish it would turn into a day trip where you go to the North Shore!

But this:

I meant people who dislike being asked what they want, because that means the other person doesn't know you well enough to find a gift that suits you to a T and captures the essence of your relationship and commemorates whatever holiday it also happens to be.

is kind of loaded and might account for whatever tone you're picking up in the responses.

I was being snide, you're right. It doesn't help the discussion when I get all defensive.

There's a big difference between not wanting to make a list and being happy with what you get (which is what our Buffistas-who-dislike-lists sound like), and knowing what you want and not telling people when they ask because they have to guess. My Ex MiL would NEVER say what she wanted about anyting. When she would come visit, I'd come up with a list of activities and she would say they all sounded fine. If I didn't have a list, she would feel slighted and ignored. Then, once we did them (like go to a certain restaurant I had mentioned) she'd have a terrible time and say things like "I don't like Chinese food." No matter what I did, I failed.

Signed,
Still Bitter

I saved my mother days of fretting when I told her I want some fried seafood over Labor Day

My mother brings the same things every time! I just want her not to put herself out! But we don't have the words to express that between us, so that explains the whole Gucci luggage thing instead.

Aw, I wish it would turn into a day trip where you go to the North Shore!

Aw! It still could!

My Ex MiL would NEVER say what she wanted about anyting. When she would come visit, I'd come up with a list of activities and she would say they all sounded fine. If I didn't have a list, she would feel slighted and ignored. Then, once we did them (like go to a certain restaurant I had mentioned) she'd have a terrible time and say things like "I don't like Chinese food." No matter what I did, I failed.

That sucks. When I say everything sounds fine, I mean it! Which doesn't necessarily make it easier on the person who I want to plan my days for me, but at least I really will like whatever they come up with.

I found that want was more fun than get.

Hmmm, must be why I'm still single.

For our anniversary this year, E and I are having the apartment professionally cleaned. Seriously.

My friends gave me a gift card for Merry Maids last year for my birthday which I LOVED! But I still haven't gotten around to using it. I'm really irritated at myself for that.

I tend to think of giving gifts as being about what the recipient wants, rather than what I find entertaining as a shopper. Gifts? Really are about the other person, not about me.

Sheesh, that doesn't characterize my attitude at all. It's not about entertaining myself. The point of gift-giving (to me, and not a comment or judgment on anybody else's gift-giving) is to think about the other person. To have them in mind. So that when you're browsing through a used bookstore and find an out-of-print copy of Northwest Smith, you think "I know somebody who'd like that." It's a kind of specific mindfulness.

To me, it's not that different from going ice skating yesterday with Emmett and thinking about Lizard and Susan and JZ. People that I have specific memories or associations with ice skating. When I see the roller derby sign outside Kezar stadium I think about Scrappy and lisah. I miss Rio when I see a particularly egregious muffin.

For me, it's not so much about gratifying somebody. (Not that there's anything remotely wrong about that.) It's about giving them something that connotes, "You were in my thoughts. You were present to me even though you were far away."