I like lists, and my family demands them of one another because each of us has such deeply geeky enthusiasms about such very different things that we're, paradoxically, very hard to buy for. My mom? Loves first editions, loves Mary McCarthy, will run over your dog to get at a signed first of anything of Mary McCarthy's--except that she has all but maybe one or two obscure later works, so if you don't have a list you stand an excellent chance of putting a lot of time and effort into getting her something she already has twice over. Me? I love all things Buffy, but I already have most things Buffy, so everyone is very wary about getting me anything else without knowing for certain that I don't have it but do want it.

And so on, and so on. Ask them to buy Hec some music, and they will break out in a cold sweat of gift-failure anxiety (except my mom, who strives valiantly and is always, unerringly, completely wrong).

I get very, very anxious looking for stuff for Hec, so I almost always want, at the very least, some guidelines. But I generally do okay with other people.

The only gift-giving behavior WRT lists that I find really intolerable is the person who (a) asks for a list, and then (b) rejects it. I had a relative pester me for weeks for baby-related presents because she just knew how stressed out parenting an infant was, and she just wanted to get us something we really needed that would make our lives easier, so just tell her anything, anything at all that was really necessary. When I broke down and confessed that money was tight and we had no laundry in the building and the laundromat down the street both did bulk cleaning and sold gift certificates and that would be such a relief and a treat for us, her response was, "Oh, that's not a gift! Your dad should give you a washing machine!" And then she gave us a playmat.

Pfft. Whatevs. I've given people gift cards to grocery stores and drugstores and just come over and folded their laundry, because when I asked them what they really needed and they told me, I went and did what they said. Because the whole point of the gift was what they needed, not whether getting it was Fun For Me.

gift certificates were also a sign You Didn't Care

I'm starting to realize just how easy my family is to shop for. My brother's favorite present last year was a gift certificate I got him for the salon where my daughter works. He's got eczema of the scalp very badly and he's very sensitive about it. Being able to afford to have my daughter cut it (she's not cheap) means he gets a cut he really likes and doesn't have to be embarrassed by his dandruff.

I have huge problems with people saying they don't know what they want when they very clearly do, but it stems from dealing with my mother who, when asked about gifts, has had a history of airily saying "Oh whatever" when she has a very distinct idea of what she wants, then proceeding to get mad and sulk and/or get downright angry when whatever the gift received wasn't Exactly! What! She! Wanted! because it meant you didn't love her and didn't pay enough attention to know what she wanted. Mind reading also a requirement.

My sister is like this, but only with her husband.

The only gift-giving behavior WRT lists that I find really intolerable is the person who (a) asks for a list, and then (b) rejects it.

My sister's mother-in-law is like that, which, of course, gives me a secret pleasure due to the ungrateful behavior related above.

I really never stress over gift-giving, but that may be because it really only comes once a year in my world.

We've never really had any hard and fast gift procedures. Sometimes I see something perfect for a person and buy it well before the occasion, sometimes I'll ask someone else, sometimes I'll ask them.

Sometimes we'll come up with a plan -- last Christmas my BiL wanted a particular expensive camera so my Sister told everyone what store to get him gift cards from. It was actually a lot of fun finding different ways to wrap the gift cards. One year for my birthday I wanted kickboxing classes so the fam chipped in and got them for me.

hot pink and green night shirt with "Eta" in fancy script over the left breast

Bwah! Priceless.

Then there's the weird thing with gift-giving culture where our siblings just want to exchange gifts for the kids and not among the adults. This is fine. But since we don't have kids it just means that we buy gifts for our nieces and nephews, which feels weird. Not that I want anything just for us! It's just awkward. And sometimes we just don't have the cash, so they get nada, and then I feel bad, but I can't do anything about it.

That's one of the things I want to get to in our budgeting, to have gift & entertaining categories so I don't get all stressed out when the occasions arise. I mean, there's a Christmas every year! I know it's coming.

Anyway, and then one year my brother-in-law's dog bought something for Seabiscuit. And we were all, ummm... Evidently Seabiscuit is not a reciprocal gift-giver, and Socks got squat. I don't think he wrote her a thank-you card, either. But he loved his gift! He plays with it every day!

What's funny is that I am not related to any ungrateful gift-recipients or weirdly passive-aggressive givers or getters, and I still stress out!

Although, there have been times when I've just hit it right on the head and thrilled the recipient, and that is great.

ugh. Dad called and said a man was hit by a car this morning outside one of our striking aircraft plants in town and killed. He was a single parent of elementary school age kids due to his wife dying a couple years ago from cancer. The only saving grace is that the kids have family here in town. I'm suddenly filled with a need to do something homey for my family.

I'm dealing with this right now, since my birthday is next week.

ME TOO!

I am a big believer in wedding and baby registries. Especially for babies. Because there really is a ton of stuff most people having babies NEED and it's especially helpful for people who don't have kids or haven't had any recently.

My mother pretends to listen, then she gets me either some approximation of what I want, or something she feels like getting me.

Speaking of which, UPS just delivered her gift, which I was supposed to hold off opening until next week. But I was curious. She'd asked me if I wanted some jewelry (Macy's was having a sale). I said I'd love to have some smoky topaz earrings or barring that, maybe earrings or a pendant with peridot (my birthstone).

Emerald cut peridot ring. Never mind I've spent years telling her I don't much care for emerald cut-- it's HER favorite cut, so why shouldn't I like it? And never mind I rarely even wear my wedding rings anymore because they get in the way when I'm typing.

::sigh:: It's a beautiful ring and I know she had good intentions and I'll wear it and enjoy it, but seriously-- why bother asking?

Because there really is a ton of stuff most people having babies NEED and it's especially helpful for people who don't have kids or haven't had any recently.

Speaking from experience, baby registries are less helpful than they seem. Because most people only register for the first baby, and as such have no idea what they really need.