I have huge problems with people saying they don't know what they want when they very clearly do, but it stems from dealing with my mother who, when asked about gifts, has had a history of airily saying "Oh whatever" when she has a very distinct idea of what she wants, then proceeding to get mad and sulk and/or get downright angry when whatever the gift received wasn't Exactly! What! She! Wanted! because it meant you didn't love her and didn't pay enough attention to know what she wanted. Mind reading also a requirement.

My sister is like this, but only with her husband.

The only gift-giving behavior WRT lists that I find really intolerable is the person who (a) asks for a list, and then (b) rejects it.

My sister's mother-in-law is like that, which, of course, gives me a secret pleasure due to the ungrateful behavior related above.

I really never stress over gift-giving, but that may be because it really only comes once a year in my world.

We've never really had any hard and fast gift procedures. Sometimes I see something perfect for a person and buy it well before the occasion, sometimes I'll ask someone else, sometimes I'll ask them.

Sometimes we'll come up with a plan -- last Christmas my BiL wanted a particular expensive camera so my Sister told everyone what store to get him gift cards from. It was actually a lot of fun finding different ways to wrap the gift cards. One year for my birthday I wanted kickboxing classes so the fam chipped in and got them for me.

hot pink and green night shirt with "Eta" in fancy script over the left breast

Bwah! Priceless.

Then there's the weird thing with gift-giving culture where our siblings just want to exchange gifts for the kids and not among the adults. This is fine. But since we don't have kids it just means that we buy gifts for our nieces and nephews, which feels weird. Not that I want anything just for us! It's just awkward. And sometimes we just don't have the cash, so they get nada, and then I feel bad, but I can't do anything about it.

That's one of the things I want to get to in our budgeting, to have gift & entertaining categories so I don't get all stressed out when the occasions arise. I mean, there's a Christmas every year! I know it's coming.

Anyway, and then one year my brother-in-law's dog bought something for Seabiscuit. And we were all, ummm... Evidently Seabiscuit is not a reciprocal gift-giver, and Socks got squat. I don't think he wrote her a thank-you card, either. But he loved his gift! He plays with it every day!

What's funny is that I am not related to any ungrateful gift-recipients or weirdly passive-aggressive givers or getters, and I still stress out!

Although, there have been times when I've just hit it right on the head and thrilled the recipient, and that is great.

ugh. Dad called and said a man was hit by a car this morning outside one of our striking aircraft plants in town and killed. He was a single parent of elementary school age kids due to his wife dying a couple years ago from cancer. The only saving grace is that the kids have family here in town. I'm suddenly filled with a need to do something homey for my family.

I'm dealing with this right now, since my birthday is next week.

ME TOO!

I am a big believer in wedding and baby registries. Especially for babies. Because there really is a ton of stuff most people having babies NEED and it's especially helpful for people who don't have kids or haven't had any recently.

My mother pretends to listen, then she gets me either some approximation of what I want, or something she feels like getting me.

Speaking of which, UPS just delivered her gift, which I was supposed to hold off opening until next week. But I was curious. She'd asked me if I wanted some jewelry (Macy's was having a sale). I said I'd love to have some smoky topaz earrings or barring that, maybe earrings or a pendant with peridot (my birthstone).

Emerald cut peridot ring. Never mind I've spent years telling her I don't much care for emerald cut-- it's HER favorite cut, so why shouldn't I like it? And never mind I rarely even wear my wedding rings anymore because they get in the way when I'm typing.

::sigh:: It's a beautiful ring and I know she had good intentions and I'll wear it and enjoy it, but seriously-- why bother asking?

Because there really is a ton of stuff most people having babies NEED and it's especially helpful for people who don't have kids or haven't had any recently.

Speaking from experience, baby registries are less helpful than they seem. Because most people only register for the first baby, and as such have no idea what they really need.

I like lists, and my family demands them of one another because each of us has such deeply geeky enthusiasms about such very different things that we're, paradoxically, very hard to buy for. My mom? Loves first editions, loves Mary McCarthy, will run over your dog to get at a signed first of anything of Mary McCarthy's--except that she has all but maybe one or two obscure later works, so if you don't have a list you stand an excellent chance of putting a lot of time and effort into getting her something she already has twice over. Me? I love all things Buffy, but I already have most things Buffy, so everyone is very wary about getting me anything else without knowing for certain that I don't have it but do want it.

This. This is EXACTLY why my family uses lists. I would never DARE to buy my brother a kitchen item that he didn't ask for, because he's a freaking CHEF and my idea of "good kitchenware" is whatever Target had for under $15. So I can't just breeze into Williams-Sonoma and buy him a saute pan. Plus, even if I knew from good cookware, if I tried to buy without a list, I'd likely buy him something he already has. And while the thought counts, it's more fun to get something that you want, rather than something you already have.

Ask them to buy Hec some music, and they will break out in a cold sweat of gift-failure anxiety (except my mom, who strives valiantly and is always, unerringly, completely wrong).

And I could never buy my brother music without a list, because I can't keep up with what he's currently into and, out of that, what he already owns.

Oh, and to actually answer Tep's question. I dislike the lists because it makes me feel like a personal shopper.

I don't know if it's true that it's the thought that counts, but with list giving it feels like it's the thing that counts.

Interesting. I find that list giving helps me to actually give a gift that the person (1) wants, (b) needs, (3) doesn't already have, and (4) is happy to receive.

I truly can't think of a single gift I've gotten as a result of being asked what I wanted where I thought, "Well, another token obligatory gift. Thanks, Mom." Mostly I've thought, "Eddie Izzard DVDs HELL YEAH!"

Honestly, I'm a little insulted by some of the attitudes towards the use of lists when buying gifts -- and I'm really am trying VERY hard to not be insulted, because I'm sure that's not the intent.

My mother pretends to listen, then she gets me either some approximation of what I want, or something she feels like getting me.

We may have the same mother. Hmmm.