So do you ask them for a list?

The response would be, "Oh, you don't have to get us anything."

Family/friend dynamics differ. I didn't see any judgements about what is or isn't heartfelt.

David-- you are an excellent gift giver because you know people really well and are quite observant and insightful. However, some people are just not good gift givers, and they really want the list because it stresses them out to think of something,

It's not like I'm offended by the lists. And I don't want to stress anybody out. But it's just alien to the act of gift giving to me.

I think the problem is compounded by some false notions of intimacy in our culture. I think that back in the day, giving a really thoughtful gift was probably limited to just your immediate family or closest friends. And it wasn't hard to know what they'd like. But now there's this (market driven, advertising enforced) notion that everybody in your life is superspecial and you should know what your cousin's girlfriend will want at the big xmas gathering.

But in reality, not everybody in your life is superspecial. They're necessarily tangential.

In my mind this is vaguely linked with the current cultural affliction with superlative book titles. "The Greatest Game Ever Played" - a title on something like four different sports books (about four different games in four different sports). It's not enough for something to be interesting, it has to be The Most, The Best, The Ultimate. Winning Silver is failure - you have to win Gold!

there truly is nothing like getting a present that is a) unasked for, b) given by a loved one, c) something that clearly shows they thought about you and who you are and what you love.

And this is where the performance anxiety comes from. I've actually stopped giving my best friends gifts--I just trust that they know I love them 24/7 and not to expect anything birthday/Christmas/Hannukah other than my best wishes.

I think it works out.

My family specifies gift ideas. The giver often indicates to the giftee the rough dollar amount, and the giftee specifies the gift, down to the model number. One year we were so tied up in it we all just bought our own thing and didn't actually exchange anything! All the dollar amounts were the same, so we just all got what we wanted.

And since we're long distance from our family (used to be Hawaii, Africa, Arizona) we often just get the money specified for the item.

The SO's family never ever does this, and has a family member legendary for giving age-inappropriate random items, like the year she gave yoda hand puppets to all the cousins. However, my mother-in-law has this weird thing where she always buys me clothing, and it's always from this completely conventional place, but she manages to find the one perfect item that fits great and I really will wear. Dunno how she does it, but it's every time.

I will note that the circle of friends I had when I first moved to San Francisco had an excellent way of dealing with gift giving for birthdays. Which is that you were taken out to dinner to spend time with that person. Or they made you a meal (there were a lot of good cooks in this group). And since there were five or six people in the group close enough to you to do that, then you'd wind up having five or six nice meals with cool friends. And it stretched out your birthday, so you'd have something like a birthday week.

I like lists. (in fact, this conversation prompted me to go to Amazon, add a crapload of stuff onto my wishlist and then organize it into 3 separate lists.)

Sometimes I will see the perfect thing, grab it way ahead of the gift giving occasion, and if I'm lucky, will actually remember I got it by the time the birthday/Christmas/whatever comes around.

I like lists also because I don't know if the thing I got the person (assuming it was heartfelt and inspired or whatever) is a) useful to the person (I am pretty sick of STUFF in my house, and I know that others may not share this, but it makes me a hypocrite) b) something they already have.

Tom and I don't exchange presents, really. I got him something for Christmas last year because it was something I really wanted to get him and there was a reason for it. I told him about it and told him not to worry about getting me anything (he didn't, which was fine). Usually for our birthdays we'll spend whatever money we would have spent for presents on a nice dinner out, which is something that is generally hard for us to justify so it's something we enjoy and a treat.

The most fun I have with gift giving is with the nieces and nephews. Kids are a lot more fun to buy stuff for. I usually ask the parent about general interests or themes, and then I'll go with that.

If I give you a list, it doesn't mean "Here, get me that," Mostly, I use the list as a refresher, like "Hi. Remember me?" (I probably wouldn't have to give it to Hec. Hec knows me better than most of the family members that get the list.) Sometimes, I hate that my dad doesn't even attempt to buy even 1 present. Sometimes the Wad o. cash has stripperesque "Buy yourself something pretty," connotations, but our relationship is...unhealthy.)

This is an interesting conversation because you can see how much notions of gift-giving are driven by family tradition and culture.

The first couple Christmases I had with JZ's family were tough for me because they'd say things like, "Well, you draw a name from a hat and you spend about $100 on that person."

I can't spend $100 on my brother in law! Sheesh, I've got a kid that's going to get 90% of my Christmas budget. They didn't have kids - they still were the kids, really. And I say that without judgment. Christmas can be whatever a family makes it.

When EM and I first got together we had lavish Christmases where we spent like $400 on each other - really nice things like Coach bags and gold nibbed fountain pens. After we had Emmett, we'd give each other a token book (or Amoeba gift certificate).

My father is also a horrible gift recipient. Ungracious, hard to please...well, I suppose that comes from not denying himself anything, but you know how people say "Aw...you don't have to do that?" He appears to mean it. But that's not cool to find out AFTER you've selected something.

With our friends, we usually do a group thing, which means only one of us has to come up with a really thoughtful idea. Or we can use someone's idea as a jumping off point.

For instance, for BFF's moving to LA gift, I had the idea that we could throw in for something from Tiffany's-like the little silver lock necklace she gave me for my 30th birthday. G thought, a key ring with all of our house keys, but we decided there were too many of us. While someone was looking through the site, they found a silver necklace with a horseshoe (which was thematically perfect since we were going for a "Good luck!" vibe).