Paige Miles/Against All Odds - Well, she looks a lot less crazy. I love that top. I would wear that top. And the hair is better. Now, if only she'd relinquish the contacts. As far as the song, she doesn't have half the voice to sing this. She is caught up in some serious delusions of Mimi and it's not going to happen. And oh my, not a note in tune yet. I don't think she sang a note in tune this whole song. Flat, flat, flat. That was an assault on my ears. Kill me now. They keep saying that she's "better than that" but we have never ever seen one solid performance from her.

Tim Urban/Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just crawl inside my eardrum now and slice my tubes up with a piece of dirty, broken glass. And the hair is just getting worse and worse. And knee slides will never, ever not be cheesy. Maybe the swaybots will eviscerate him? A girl can dream can't she. Or maybe one of them was sick and she'll give him H1N1 and he'll die. Painful. And judges, you picked these whack ass kids, so y'all can bite me. I'll be in the corner with Angela Martin and Jermaine Purifoy eating polly seeds and cursing you out.

ETA: OK, Simon telling that fool to get some singing lessons was hilarious. I will exempt him from getting polly seeds spit on him.

Aaron Kelly/Don't Want to Miss a Thing - Heinous. Oh, this is of the devil. Well, I guess Judge #4 is getting her wish for some early Aerosmith. This kid is like the popular kid in your HS who wins all the talent competitions and everyone thinks he can really sing and all the little girls squee and if you had that one sleazy teacher who slept with students she'd sleep with him in the janitor's closet but in reality, he can't sing. And I was bored by it out of my mind. I feel like he doesn't want to close his eyes because he's afraid that the boogie monster is gonna get him. Stop putting 16 year olds on this show.

Crystal Bowersox/Me and Bobby MacGee - Oh, Crystal. Miley should not get to sign the guitar of awesomeness. But great song choice for her. This girl really knows who she is. And she looks beautiful. This is the best she's ever looked. I want that brown dress on my body right now. I love how she's just riffing over the melody now. I enjoyed. Just give her the crown now. The rest of these kids aren't even in the same league.

Pick Whatever the Hell Song You Want, We Don't Give a Fuck theme night

No shit.

Simon is so over Tim Urban it isn't even funny.

Big Mike/When a Man Loves a Woman - Why is he so cheesy? He's like some 7 year old lounge lizard. He has a good voice, though. One of the few. I just wish he wasn't so Quiet Storm R&B. He's totally not current. If he got in his time machine and went back to the early 90's Ralph Tresvant/Johnny Gill/Al B. Sure era, he'd have a shot at being a second tier R&B romeo, but in today's world? No shot. Just too old fashioned. You couldn't put this on the radio today and have a hit. And now I sound like Simon, but I wish he'd do something with that pretty voice he has.

Andrew Garcia/Heard It Through the Grapevine - Why on earth would he choose this song? It's so not anywhere near the same vicinity as what he does and what he's good at. And his voice sounds like ass. And what's with having the back up girls bopping along on stage? Dude, the voice is terrible tonight. Talk about flat. This is Paige-ian levels of bad. I loved the cut to Miley giving this performance the stank face. Cause seriously, this was trash. Wow. Talk about under performing. Maybe the Paula thing really was the only thing he could do. One trick pony-itis.

Katie Stevens/Big Girls Don't Cry - I am this song's bitch. I don't know. I blame nekkid Peter Petrelli all tatted up in the video. And at least she's more on pitch than last week. And the song is from this decade, which may be an anomaly on the night. Still, when you don't sing a song as well as Fergie? Something is really, really wrong. Points for trying, though.

Casey James/The Power of Love - This song is so frikkin' cheesy. Why did none of these kids pick relevant, of the moment songs? Huey Lewis and the News? Really? Really? Thank god he's pretty, I guess. And at least he has a decent voice. But he's doing a straight up cover of this song. Talk about feeling like you're in a karaoke bar. He's taken no risks with this song, made no attempt to try to bring it into . . . hell, even into the 90s. I mean, really, what is the point of this? Why would this performance convince me to download your song from itunes, buy your album or see you on tour? Exactly. Bored now.

Didi Benami/You're No Good - Great song choice. She's definitely in that Carly Simon zone. And again with the cheesy arrangement? What is wrong with Ricky Minor and the band? They're just fucking with the kids tonight, right? Is this some kind of early April Fool's joke? And the tragedy is that she's not even singing it badly. Her voice sounds really good, actually. But the arrangement killed it. Yuck.

Siobahn/Superstition - Umm. OK. I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, she sounds fine. But this is the first time that I feel that this is a put on. It doesn't read as authentic to me. And the second verse was actually much weaker than the first. And enough with the screaming already. You can scream. We get it. Feh. I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it either.

No problem, Jesse (which I just totally said like "Yessie" in my head).

Big Girls Don't Cry

oh Kat. I cannot stand this song. When she started I was like "why couldn't she have chosen another Fergie song. Any other song." I would love to see her take on "Girl Can't Help It." I'm sure it would have been a trainwreck, but it would have been more entertaining.

No problem, Jesse (which I just totally said like "Yessie" in my head).

Heh. When I was in Mexico with grad school, I made fun (in my head) of a girl who said her name in English and then said people could call her [same name in Spanish], until I actually introduced myself to someone as Yesse.

If the only good thing that happens on Survivor this season is Boston Rob schooling Russell and making him cry like the punk he is, I will walk away satisfied.

Holy shit! Survivor! I won't say anything yet but this season is good!

man, those TCs were a trip.