deleted because sometimes a rant is just another way of begging for bad luck.

I really need to figure out what to do with all my trim. Shitty paint job means it peels, so some stripping going to be involved and since there is probably lead paint underneath....uhg.

Well, I'd suggest not licking the trim.

That it's just as hard to have a relatively okay kid get diagnosed with a weird renal disease that may effect him once every couple of years as it is to have a kid with a trache.

I don't know -- I think the thing to remember on both sides is that it's as hard and scary now, but not all the time for years. I mean, shit.

I guess, Jesse, I didn't mean hard. I meant scary. And it is. It's also possibly more maddening for her than it would feel for me because I had a buffer between me and the system for much of the really hard part. And I've always had a super supportive team of people who oversaw Noah's care and still oversee Grace, people who knew how to navigate it all.

I can only hold him up with one arm for so long, when he sits in my lap (in between me and my laptop) with his head in the crook of my arm.

Leo does this same thing, often with his head tucked under my chin. It's so very cute. I just hope my work laptop doesn't die of cat hair before its lease is up.

I'm not saying you need to win some competition, but maybe this will make her understand your situation more? I don't know.

OMG -- my cat is back on my lap! ISTG.

Jesse, that's exactly what I keep thinking. We don't talk, but I keep probing K to see if she senses a shift. But I'm not so subtle in my probing (no surprise to you all) and I'm getting unsatisfactory answers.

I think I'm going back to delete my entry. I've vented. I don't need to let bad juju hang out for the universe to read.

I'm sure the fact of the former relationship gets in the way of empathy and may continue to, for a while. Objectively, I don't see how anyone can not get that you had a hell of a lot to cope with, and even now have a fair amount on your hands.

They make me so much more attractive.

I think the thing is, I become so much more attractive TO ME when I'm holding one. Though...that's changing too. Don't know what to do with it, but the "but I'm PRETTY" is an annoying refrain of late. Confidence, such an odd creature. Never though I lacked it, but I'm coming to appreciate a new side of it.

No licking the trim. I'm thankful I don't have kids, because then it would be a big issue. I know my neighbor Ben basically stripped his whole house down and removed stuff before moving in because he has a now 3 year old. I can't imagine.

As for K's ex, yup, scary. You can feel compassion alongside exasperation. It's allowed. I'm on the outside, yet when I try to explain to friends even more on the outside? It's odd. And I'm at a distance.

Well yeah. Obviously.

In completely non-related news, K and I are at loggerheads over children's shoes. I tend to buy brown dress shoes or black dress shoes from places like stride rite. A few months ago K bought him some black New Balance sneakers and today she bought him Adidas Pro Shell. It makes me want to roll my eyes and point out that the shoes are not good for his feet! And she hates the shoes I buy him and calls them nerd shoes.

Though I did win on the underpants argument.