Lord, what a day. I sent my agent a severance letter today. No anger or anything bad, just thinking I needed to take a step back and figure out what I want to do.

I kind of want to find the joy in writing again, you know?

Wow, this feels so weird-- I'm essentially unpublished and unrepresented again. Just like starting over.

You are at least half a step forward, Barb. You have been published and recognized. You have some stuff to show. Good Luck.

Thanks, beth-- I'm oddly far less stressed about it this time than I was last year at this time when I was also going through the agent search.

I think it's because last year the first inklings that something was wonky with the Carmen contract were showing up and I still had other material out on submission. Right now, I've got nothing on submission at all so it's as clean a slate as I could possibly hope for.

Best of luck to you, Barb. Here's hoping you can quickly find an agent you can really work with.

Ugh, Barb, that's annoying for you, but good luck with it.

Jilli, I'm jealous. I kinda have been wanting to do that. But it requires that I go to the dentist first. Which I, um, still haven't gotten around to. Even though I got recommendations a few months ago from everyone. Erm.

So, today, while I was meeting with my advisor and discussing some research that we're working on (this was an unscheduled meeting -- he'd come over to my office and asked if I had time to talk), someone walks into the office. My advisor greets him, then introduces him to me. He introduces me by first and last name, the visitor by just first name. Visitor sits down, starts talking to advisor, who tells visitor about some of the stuff we've been working on, and after a little while of conversation, I finally connect visitor's first name with some of the people and places they're mentioning, and realize that this is someone who is a Very Big Name in the field.

I'm not terribly good with new people. I'm especially not terribly good with new people when I have had no warning that I'm going to be meeting a new person. When my advisor asked me to come talk to him in his office, he had to have known that this guy was going to show up while we were talking. Would it have been so difficult to tell me sometime before he walked in?

So, as I could have predicted, I got flustered, said about three words in twenty minutes, and generally looked like an idiot. (Also, I'd had PT this morning, and didn't bother to change clothes afterwards because I was expecting to just stay in my office working on my own research today, so I was wearing stained sweatpants and hoodie. Ugh.)

This is the second time he's done this -- introduced me to someone and expected me to tell this person about my research without giving me any warning. (At least it's better than last time, when he did give me two hours notice, but also told me that he wanted me to read a paper that the visitor had written before I talked to him. He did not have a copy of the paper, the internet did not have a copy of the paper, and the library only had it in off-site storage, which takes a few days.)

Which I, um, still haven't gotten around to. Even though I got recommendations a few months ago from everyone. Erm.

Dr. Ryan! You totally want to go see Dr. Ryan! Because he's awesome.

Ahhhh.

We won tonight.

We were 1 - 9 on the season, and had an 8 game losing streak. During that streak we lost games by one run and we lost games by ten runs. We played a lot of bad defense. People were not playing to their potential.

But tonight we won. Dan hit a home run. Emmett hit a home run. And in the top of the sixth, with a two run lead, but with the bases loaded and one out and the tying run at second and one of the best hitters in the league coming up - I put Emmett in to pitch.

Emmett hasn't pitched much in the last two years. Four innings last year. Three outings this season. He's more of a catcher now. But I looked at all my players and knew that if he gave up a grand slam and we lost he'd be the best player to deal with it.

After a very tough at-bat he walked in one run. We were only up by one now. Tying run at third. Next batter hits a sky-high pop-up in the infield. Two outs. Then Emmett struck out the last batter.

Game. Over.

We're now 2-9.

ugh, Hil.

Hate to be all corporate about it, but come up with an elevator pitch ( Something short and sweet that would fit in a short elevator ride) . Then come up with one or two places where you can talk more in depth.

This gives you a comfort zone -- a place to start to talk. You know what you are doing. and the more you practice talking about your stuff -- the easier you'll deal with it. I talk a lot in the shower or bathtub. Or on walks.

I suspect ou are going to need to do this in the future

but more warning would be nice.

Since Hil's advisor is a jerk, he probably thinks it's a way to toughen her up.

I do not like this person.

Beth reminds me that I need to work on my elevator speech. Sigh.