OK, I have the perfect opening for a cover letter:

Many Bothans died to bring you this resume....

I think the street team needs a jingle. possibly a coordinated dance (NKoTB style). and maybe even matching outfits.

In that case, totally sign me up to be Street Team South.

Hey Allyson, how bout you hold off on that last "to do" for a bit?

Gotta make sure I can get catboarding.

Why did my mind picture a cat surfboarding when I read this?

Whoo-hoo, Allyson, both on your most excellent letter and, even more, on your book!!

I'll be able to do some handselling on it, because it looks like I got that Barnes & Noble part-time job! They have to check my references, but the manager at the second interview this afternoon asked if I would be available for orientation on Sunday. Yay, more money!

Which I'm going to need, because before I had the interview, I went for a swim for the first time in two months, and found that my swimsuit had spent its break going to hell in my gym bag--all baggy material that feels paper thin, especially across the butt (I kept checking to make sure I wasn't mooning anyone with any holes). So, afterwards, I went to the store and picked up a new swimsuit (two sizes smaller than the last one that's a bit lowcut due to my long torso and too much fat in the stomach for the time being, but swimmable anyway) and five shirts for the bookstore (business casual, so my slightly ratty t-shirts are out), all for $90 after tax! Thank you, clearance sales and discount cards.

Weekend:

• Saturday = classmate's wedding
• Sunday = GF's parents to see visiting relatives

I think the street team needs a jingle. possibly a coordinated dance (NKoTB style). and maybe even matching outfits.

In that case, totally sign me up to be Street Team South.

Street Team West is ready and waiting.

Shit I'm not saying:

This is not my job. I'm doing it anyway because I'm BEING NICE. Stop whining at me about how mean everyone's being about it or I will just tell you to EAT IT.

Also, YOU CAN'T WRITE. God, you can't write. Why, why, why do you not use the nice crisp concise templates we give you over and over and over? Why must you repeatedly turn a 20-minute exam which reveals a child to have a perfectly healthy, normal heart into a 45-minute three-page dictation full of sentences that run on for 130 words at a time, manage to attach three different subjects to a single frail verb, and end in a sloppy pile of word salad with participles straggling off every which way?

P.S. I want to kill this redundancy, just stab it right in the jugular: "An electrocardiogram was performed, which showed..." Fuckin' DUH. We get that the EKG was performed even without you spelling it out, because it couldn't bloody well have shown anything if it wasn't performed, now could it? I can't believe I have to type twelve of these shitty things before 5, while my daughter sobs piteously. Sure, she's teething, but I choose to believe that it's your shitty inept grammar and constant redundancies that are making her cry.

P.P.S. Everyone else who ignored all this for three and a half weeks? SUCK IT, BITCHHEADS.

Yours with relentless stabbination,

JZ

I am a horrible slacker. I need to make banners and gift bags and throw up several times.

Let me know if you need help! (This whole summer vacation thing rocks.)

Street Team West is ready and waiting.

Also, what juliana said.

Kathy, congrats on the job!!

JZ, is it wrong that I'm giggling a little at your faux letter? Because it sucks that you're dealing with idiots, but you are one funny lady. Also? This:

Yours with relentless stabbination

Die, you doctor bastards, die. Uh, JZ, was that a little Much?

(tries to pour gin through the internet to JZ)

Erika, I've been meaning to ask you how things have worked out with the car situation. Did it get better at all? Did they catch the asshats who stole it?