Oh, Consuela. That's rough.

Consuela, when they moved, was the idea that your dad would still be her full-time caregiver? Or that the staff would take over the difficult, physical things like getting her in the bathroom and into bed?

If it's the latter, is the problem that your dad still thinks that he *should* be doing all that?

That's so hard, Consuela. The mobility decline seems like it was fast -- has she been thoroughly examined to try to figure out what caused it?

Yes, totally. Does that make us land sharks?

Just a dolphin, Ma'am.

So I'm going over there this afternoon for a meeting to figure out what to do. We might end up separating them, I think...

Not to be a complete and annoying Pollyanna, but when my Great Aunt and Great Uncle had to live in different parts of their elder care community it turned out to be really good for them. They could hang out all day. He stayed with her some nights but generally he'd tuck her in and leave once she fell asleep. It allowed Jim to stay as active as possible and allowed Martha to get the care she needed without the problems and guilt of wearing him to a nub. It was a tough transition, but the time they spent together was then a joy instead of a burden on both of them.

And while it wasn't perfect, it wasn't as isolating as him "putting her in a home" would have been for both of them.

He loved that community. He was a retired pastor and wound up sort of the mayor of that place. He showed me the thrift shop and the crafts rooms and the theater... It really became their home.

Thanks Suzi!

My sleep rituals tend to change a lot - I might fall asleep on my side reading with a light on, or lie down to sleep on my back to the flickering of a silent TV (sleeping in total darkness doesn't work well for me). Usually in underwear and socks with a sheet, comforter, and bedspread in the cold months, naked under just a sheet in warm. Lately I've been passing out while folded up like a taco watching TV from the studio couch in my living room. About the only constant is that I never sleep on my stomach unless doing so deliberately to cut down snoring when sharing a bed (or hotel room on trips).

Consuela, I do hope there is a better solution for your parents. It would be nice if it worked out as well as it did for Trudy's family. Vibing for a positive solution.

That sounds like you're in for more difficult times, Consuela, but I suspect that your dad admitting he can't do it may be a good thing, on balance. I hope so, anyway. Good luck.

Sleeping - I sleep on my left side with two pillows (currently a regular foam pillow on top of a memory foam pillow, which probably negates any benefits of the memory foam, but I am unclear on what those benefits may be) always under a sheet tucked in at the feet (if it's hot enough that I want the ceiling fan blowing directly on my bare skin, I'll still have a corner of the sheet tucked over some part of me. It's a vulnerability thing more than temperature, I think), and over the sheet up to a collection including a blanket, two quilts, and down comforter, depending on temperature. I toss and turn quite a bit, unless I'm extremely tired, but when I am trying to go to sleep, it's left side. I used to sleep on my back with my knees bent and no pillow, and I still sometimes try that, but I trained myself to sleep on the left side after reading something about that being good for some particular internal organ and now that's my habit.

Going to bed rituals - I like to read for a bit, but lately I have been too tired for that. I get my phone and other devices charging, and set up the phone to use the Sleep Cycle App both to document how well/much I sleep and to work as my alarm. If my bedroom windows are open, I close them to reduce the noise of passing trains. All lights everywhere in the house must be off. Walter crawls under the bed, Jadzia comes to walk around on me, maybe curls up on my hip for a while, sometimes Pixie sleeps on my phone. I do a little follow-my-breath meditation to quiet my mind until I'm out.

Ugh, that's hard, Consuela, but at the same time I'm giving your dad props for acknowledging that he's overwhelmed. Can they move her over to the full care side?

My aunt and uncle (both 83 now) are considering not rebuilding the Shore house. Not half as sad or frustrating as Consuela's situation, but still sad-making. When the ocean has breached in Mantoloking twice more now -- less than a mile from what is left of the house -- it begins to look like rebuilding is going to be a bad deal. It feels a little bit like we've lost another member of the family.

Sleep/bedtime rituals: Curtains closed, doors locked, outside lights on, inside lights off except for the little one in the bathroom, cats fed, alarm system on. Bottle of water and cell phone by the bed, alarm set if I'm using one. Teeth brushed, retainers in, lotion on, hair conditioner in. Ceiling fan on even in winter. If it's summer, I'll have a floor fan on as well as the ceiling fan and air conditioning. I might open a window in spring and fall. I sleep in a t-shirt and socks, although the socks come off as soon as I get too warm, which I do because I always sleep under a quilt, even in summer. I can't sleep under just a light top sheet or nothing at all; I feel insecure without the weight of a blanket or quilt. My pillow is a sad flat thing because I sleep on my side and can't stand to have my neck cricked. Unless I get some asthmatic bronchial spasms or acid reflux, then I'm on my back with a thicker pillow to lift my torso up a little. I don't like having anything else in the bed besides the spare pillow. Books and phones go on the side tables. Long ago I slept with a stuffed animal, but now I have one or two or three cats on me, so the plushie friend is no longer needed.

The cats provide security. When I wake up scared, or can't fall asleep, because I can feel a presence in the room, I look at the peacefully sleeping cat and I know there are no ghosts there, it's just my misfiring neurons. Then I can calm down and sleep.