Consuela, you have enormous sympathy from me. This is totally unsolicited, but I'm going to say it anyway. If there is an opportunity to get her into assisted living, with your family members agreed, do it sooner rather than later. I waited too long. My mom would have been happier and healthier, would have enjoyed more of her last years, and our relationship would have been far easier and more loving, had I gone against her wishes and her temper and gotten her into assisted living earlier. She blossomed, and I felt such relief that she was in professional care, with medical help immediately available, that my life was infintely better, too, once I got over the guilt.

I can believe and understand she's difficult to deal with. And also that the ongoing effort to deal with her affects everyone. I wish you and your family strength.

If there is an opportunity to get her into assisted living, with your family members agreed, do it sooner rather than later. I waited too long. My mom would have been happier and healthier, would have enjoyed more of her last years, and our relationship would have been far easier and more loving, had I gone against her wishes and her temper and gotten her into assisted living earlier. She blossomed, and I felt such relief that she was in professional care, with medical help immediately available, that my life was infintely better, too, once I got over the guilt.

If only we could. But she's terrified of nursing homes, because she worked in one as an RN back in the 70s, and it wasn't one of the nice ones. She's unable to differentiate: any place that has hallways instead of yards is a nursing home to her. She is convinced that we are just waiting to lock her away in an institution where she will be shackled to the bed to rot in solitude.

We keep trying, because they would get a lot of benefit out of it (although the dog would be a problem), but I don't see how it's possible. Either she would try to walk out (and hurt herself, since she can't walk more than six feet without leaning on something), or she would have to be sedated to keep her from hysterical fits. I'm not actually kidding: there would be screaming and throwing of things--there was yelling last night just talking about how to keep her out of assisted living.

I don't see a way forward, really. At least not one that does my dad any good. He really would like to go into AL, but she won't have it.

I love internet memes.

So guess what is current now:

cop casually pepper spraying onlookers

changed link.

That's so hard, Consuela. Sometimes it seems that anger is all they have left. It's probably mostly fear and confusion, but they don't want to admit to that, even to themselves.

My mother's mind is still sharp, and yet it can't let go of 50-year-old imagined slights.

I had a well for years, and it's not for the fainthearted. There's no water when there's no electricity. We had a fairly shallow well, so during droughts, there wouldn't be enough water and if the water got below the pump, it had to be primed. This always seemed to happen after dark. At least you wouldn't have the problems we had with the pump freezing. Perkins, you may want to talk to the neighbors about the water levels and if they've had any trouble with water quality.

We had a well in NC, too. When the city annexed our neighborhood there was some workaround where we could have the well and pump for outdoor use, but the house itself was hooked up to the city water system. If the city system is available, or when it becomes available, you could have the well capped and convert.

Consuela, it is hard. I'm so sorry your family is having to go through this.

I had a well when I lived out in the country in NC. Hurricane Fran came by and knocked out the power for over a week. So we had no water for a week. I relied heavily on my friends' sofas and showers.

My dad didn't have any major cognitive issues (aside from a touch of chemo fog) toward the end, but he still dug in his heels at the thought of getting someone in to assist him, even a few hours a week. He even had long-term care insurance that would have covered the whole cost. I think it was a pride thing for him. He was living alone in his apartment, and an aid would have saved him pain and, in a couple of cases, probably hospitalization.

{{{'Suela}}} I have no advice to offer on this one, but I hope you, your sister and your father can get some relief.

Perkins, I grew up with well water. Depending on the hardness, you may have to maintain a water softener. We also didn't drink the water--I tested the lead content for my science fair project, and the PPM was a good bit higher than acceptable. The well ran dry 15 years after they built the house and it was about $6,000 to dig a new one in 1990.

I was always under the assumption that when the power was out, so was the water. DH couldn't understand why I was yelling at him to not flush the toilet during the first power outage in our house. Even to this day, I still forget that I can brush my teeth and take a shower.

I still have some water-saving twitches from the drought years. Considering the state of Atlanta's water supply, it's probably just as well.

We were out in the country south of Atlanta, and an ice storm knocked out our power for a week. That experience should have taught me not to let dirty dishes pile up, because staring at those began to get to me.

I sound unsympathetic: I kind of have to be, in order to deal with her at all. She's my mother and I do love her, but I've had to disengage from her emotionally.

Oh Consuela, I have vast, vast sympathy for you right now.

This is such a difficult place to be in life. I'm wishing you best possible outcomes as quickly as they can arrive.

Trying to get my father (who I quite legitimately hated at the time) into a care facility was just a terrible strain. I went way, way beyond the call of duty and he still walked away from the dozens of people trying to help him.

I wholeheartedly support your need for compassionate disconnection. On a very real level, it is the best thing you can do for her. Saving her baby's sanity is a gift to your mother.

I sound unsympathetic: I kind of have to be, in order to deal with her at all. She's my mother and I do love her, but I've had to disengage from her emotionally.

Oh, you don't sound unsympathetic--I'm unsympathetic, so I'd be all "Well, mom, you're going to be bitter and angry anywhere, so might as well be bitter and angry where it's best for everyone else!"