From Psychology Today:
Private Equity to Buy North Pole, Layoff Santa - Santa to Coach at Penn State
Silverwoman Sacks Private Equity Fund has signed a definitive agreement for a leveraged buyout of North Pole Enterprises for $300 billion.
In a letter to investors, the private equity firm noted some cost efficiencies they expected to achieve in North Pole operations. Instead of hiring seasonal Santa Clauses for department stores each year, Silverman Sacks plans to have nice boys and girls email their Christmas wish list. They will ship all toys via Amazon and sell the reindeers to zoos.
S&P analysts immediately upgraded North Pole Enterprises from "Sell" to "Buy". In a note to investors, analyst John Elf wrote that he expects significant savings in labor costs. Santa is to be laid off and the elves will be let go.
Silverman Sacks is also expected to tighten the definition of "nice" so that fewer children will be eligible for Christmas presents. This alone could yield annual cost savings of $50 billion because North Pole Enterprises will give away fewer toys.
In a separate development Penn State University officials announced they have hired Santa to replace Coach Joe Paterno as football coach. ESPN analysts Mike and Mike said given Penn State's preferences for old man to coach their teams, Santa will be a good fit. Happy Valley will be renamed Ho Ho Ho Valley.
Tommy Brat, spokesperson for Naughty Boys and Girls of the World, immediately crticized Penn State. "For centuries Santa has been a thorn in the side of naughty boys and girls."
Sally Goody, spokesperson for Nice Boys and Girls of the World, immediately issued a statement calling for the occupation of the North Pole.
North Pole Enterprises is believed to be heavily in debt because each year it gave away billions of toys. Silverwoman Sacks is expected to fire the Greek management and bring in a fresh German team.
President Obama asked Congress for a $2 trillion appropriation to bailout Santa, but the Republicans refused to go along. They said Santa is an illegal immigrant.