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By Betsy Hanes Perry and Dana D. To the tune of "Gee, Officer Krupke" from West Side Story, lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, music by Leonard Bernstein.

(Etiquette for the attention-span challenged is here.)

HAPLESS NEWBIE: Dear neighborhood Buffista,
What is this place about?
C'mon, I need at least a
Few rules to help me out.
My mood has turned despairing,
I'm tearing out my hair.
Joss in heaven, what gets posted where?

BUFFISTA: Oh, poor hapless newbie, ease off on the stress.
There simply are some guidelines that you should not transgress.
We welcome all humans
(And vampires and ghouls)
As long as they observe the rules!

NEWBIE: There are rules?
ALL: There are rules, there are rules,
There are simple rules
And you're welcome if you follow rules!

ANYA: (Spoken) We call this "democracy in action".
XANDER: (Spoken) An, honey, don't condescend to the new people.
ANYA: (Spoken) I'm not condescending. I'm embracing the principle on which this forum was founded. Even though a dictatorship would be substantially easier to run.
XANDER: (Spoken) You're not helping. What she means to say is that our rules are few and simple, and when there's enforcing to be done, it's done by board members known as Big Stompy Feet. They are wise, they are considerate, they are smart, and they have smiting capability, so if they ask you to do something, play nice and cooperate.

BUFFY: Please don't be misanthropic
We tend to talk a lot
Sometimes it is on-topic
But sometimes it is not
We call off-topic "natter"
Subscribe at your own risk
Learn to deal; the conversation's brisk!

Though we fence natter, it can't be confined.
Sometimes we need to vent and moan and sometimes just whine.
Sometimes we just babble, and sometimes we play
And sometimes the shows do get their day!

JOSS: (surprised) Get their day?

ALL: Get their day, get their day,
Get their rightful day,
Yes on Tuesday nights they get their day!

ANGEL: (Spoken) Hey, what about Wednesdays?
BUFFISTAS: (Spoken) That's not where you belong. Any more than Sunnydale was.

WILLOW: A spoiler is a plot point
That wasn't on TV
Some viewers in this hot joint
Like staying spoiler-free.
If it's not in a promo,
But something that you've read,
To discuss it, use the spoiler thread!

GILES: Right!
Oh, person who reads this, you must understand
That many good Buffistas live in far-distant lands
Where episodes lag by a season, perhaps.
In their Zone, this season's under wraps.

AUSTRALIANS: "Under wraps!"

Under lead-sealed wraps,
We don't want to know it, Yankee chaps.

GILES: (in foamy RP pronunciation and Full Exposition Mode) It's a "spoiler" if you read it in Entertainment Weekly, TV Guide, the WB or UPN sites, Wanda, or Ain't It Cool News. Many Buffistas try hard to avoid all these information sources; if it wasn't in an already-broadcast show or promotion, please mention it only in the Spoiler thread.

[clears his throat, takes out his glasses and wipes them.] I can't say I like the tone of this next bit, but...

Buffistas respect everyone, even foreign riffraff. Please preserve their virgin eyes, and don't discuss the current season's events in the General Buffy threads or the Unamerican thread. If you are Unamerican [whispers "good on you!"], you can stay spoiler-free by remaining out of the NAFDA (North American Free Discussion Area) threads.

ANYA: (Spoken) Hey, what if I do post a spoiler?
GILES: (Spoken) Go back to the posting and delete it or white it out. (See the FAQ for details on how.)

ANYA: I'm famous for my blather,
And never for my tact,
So that is why they'd rather
I told you how to act.
Please keep your postings pleasant,
And never, ever flame!
Keep your reputation free from shame!

Please, kindly newcomer, you must understand.
We try to keep things light here in our Buffistaland.
If you can't put up with our nancy-boy style,
Find another venue for your bile!

ALL: For your bile, for your bile,
For your acid bile,
'Cause we shun all bitterness and bile.

XANDER: (spoken) If you ask me, it's not that hard to disagree without being disagreeable. If you want to have a no-holds-barred, insult-laden, content-free argument, check out...
[Willow claps her hand over his mouth]
WILLOW: (hissing) No flames, remember?
ANYA: (spoken) But what if someone happens to get turned into a demon and repeatedly violates site ettiquette?
WILLOW: (spoken) Consistent demon-like behavior may earn a warning from the Stompy Feet. If you don't listen to the warning, you'll be suspended for two months. And if you come back unreformed, you'll be banned. It's not pretty, and we don't like to do it, but we figure it's better than getting all black-eyed and scary.
XANDER: (spoken) Oh, and one more thing? We don't need septic tank cleaners, generic prescriptions, or, and I cannot stress this enough, penis enhancements. So please don't spam us.

WESLEY: (gesturing to assembled Buffistas) Sometimes they get obsessive
About a fact or clue
Like "Was this script transgressive
Of Canon, Season Two?"
Or then they speak of "foamy",
Or "Was that a shout-out?"
What the hell are these chaps on about?

CORDELIA: Gee, anal ex-Watcher, why must you complain?
There's one convenient place where everything is explained.
If sure information you find that you lack,
Don't fear or tremble, read the FAQ!

WESLEY: Read the FAQ!
ALL: Read the FAQ, read the FAQ, read the FAQ, FAQ, FAQ
For a thorough rundown, read the FAQ.

CORDELIA: (spoken) Yes, we use some jargon and in-jokes. Read the FAQ; it covers them. You still won't be worthy to associate with me, though.

WILLOW: So treat the subject lightly
ANGEL: And don't forget to white
GILES: And disagree politely.
TARA: Don't start a nasty fight.
THE HOST: And tolerate some blather
GUNN: Because it's what we do.

ALL: Heed these rules and we will welcome you!

Dear first-time Buffista,
We're glad that you're here.
So pull a couch up, have yourself a virtual beer.
So, first-time Buffista,
How should you begin?
Hey, newfound Buffista:
Dive in!

Fair warning: The Buffistas DO this sort of thing. We move back and forth between serious and silly on no notice at all. If you loathe reading parodies, don't like silly jokes or natter, and can't cope with 400 new postings after the season opener, you won't be happy here.

All things Buffy (and Buffista) on the Web, in a handy list format:
Buffista Links
The filkiest filk to be filked is filked here: